Miel et Lait

Dear Ms. English, err, is it Lady English? Are you an English lady? Bloody confusing, those titles and styles! I am particularly confused because Princess Diana is not a princess, but Sarah’s still a Duchess (um, how did that happen?! You know, don’t you? Good money says Fergie’s got some primo dish on ole Philly boy. Fergie stays mum, and Bob’s your uncle!)

Anyhoo…Princess Kate err, Duchess Catherine (she’s definitely not a lady, right? Could you clear that up for me? Much obliged.)

“Just get on with it,” you say? Fine. Color me confused about this whole “Her Royal Hotness” business! Princess Diana, and for the record, she is, was, and always will be a Princess. The Americans have spoken, and Her Madge doesn’t get a vote.

As I was saying, the late, great, Princess Diana had a sister. Maybe two. I would Google her, but Wiki is my go-to site for info, and because of a piracy bill Wiki is black. I do know that she had at least one sister, and her sister was definitely not a member of the British Royal Family. (Even though she shagged Chaz first.)

So how the heck did Kate finagle a title for the Pipster?

Okay, okay, I admit it.  I am not that dumb. Kate didn’t pull any strings with Granny.  The media, you and your cohorts (yes, I’m lookin’ at you, Katie Nicholl) christened P-Middy “Her Royal Hotness” and have been patting yourselves on the back ever since, eh?

Becca, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there! If you want to make your mark, you’ve got to out wit your competition! Might I suggest a more appropriate moniker for Madame Middleton? “Hotness” is cliched, and, if we’re being honest, Pippa isn’t “hot.”

Now, don’t go saying that I said Pippa Middleton resembles Mr. Ed’s ugly cousin.  I am saying no such thing. (Although, I am suspicious about a certain ginger calling Pips a “fine philly.” If anyone said Pippa is a horse, keep the investigation on your side of the pond!)

P-Middy rose to fame when she wore a couture dress over a pair of Spanx. Her bum, bottom, “Beyonce” is her money shot. Wouldn’t “Her Royal Hiney“  be more apropos?

On behalf of all of us being spoon fed baloney like “Kim loved Kris!” and “Lindsay is an actress” and “Pippa scored a book deal on the merits of her exceptional prose and originality,” I appeal to your sense of mercy.

If we, the people, must be bombarded with such bloody drivel as we mind our business, standing in line at the grocery store, with our trolley full of Ramen Noodles and dented cans of beans, because not all writers get six-figure advances, could you spare us the “Her Royal Hotness” bollocks?

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