Miel et Lait

Do you ever wonder how some people are immediately recognized by the entire staff from the moment they walk into a restaurant?  Some people are regulars — visit a place frequently enough, and you will be recognized, too.  Some people are famous — maybe the town mayor, maybe an actress, athlete, and so on. Some people are “special.”

“Special” guests may not be regulars. They may not grace the pages of the tabloids. On first glance, they may seem perfectly normal. However, they are far from normal. “Special” guests are as welcomed as the sight of a poison ivy plant after you’ve dropped trough  while taking a pee on a camping trip.

Here are the top 9 ways you can become a “special” guest:

1. Elect a spokesperson for your table. This is especially important for parties in excess of four. The role of the spokesperson is soley to order water for the entire table. Dining with a large party? Ten , maybe 20 of you? Absolutely employ the services of a spokesperson! However, no one should actually drink the water. Glasses of water should remain on the table for decorative purposes only! Servers love when a spokesperson gives them busy work!

2. Take off your shoes. Ignore that old adage, “no shirt, no shoes, no service.” Shoes & shirt may be required to be given a table, but once you’ve claimed your real estate, make yourself at home. Take off your shoes, sit crossed legged on the chair or booth, heck, might as well fart if you feel the need. Loudly, too! Bet your stinking farts won’t smell as bad as your stinky feet.

3. Delay ordering to most inopportune moment. Whatever you do, do not take a reasonable amount of time reviewing the menu. Chat with your dining partner. Make a phone call. Play Angry Birds. Shoo the server away until you notice that she has been double sat and a third table needs a bottle of wine opened. Then, shout across the dining room that you need immediate attention. When the server arrives to take your order, waste five minutes explaining that you have a movie to catch, a sitter waiting, anything. Just waste as much time as possible stressing that you are in a hurry. Bonus points if you give your order, then change your mind and spend a minute reviewing the menu, while insisting that the server wait for you to decide, again.

4. Insult the server. In the event the server doesn’t return to your table as fast as you would like, wildly wave your hand in the air while shouting, “Oh garçon!” and punctuate the shouts with the snapping of your fingers. Bar none, this ensures you will rise to the level of “special” guest. Other insults include informing the server that you usually dine at “nice” restaurants, but decided to “slum it” tonight. The key to this tip is not to be blatantly condescending, but to be creative. Employ backhanded complements often.

5. Ask stupid questions. In a classroom, it’s often said that “there are no stupid questions.” Not so at a restaurant. If you ask the server, “What is your vegetable du jour?” and the server responds, “A blend of peas and carrots or string beans,”follow up with, “Broccoli? Got broccoli? No? What about corn? No? Oh, okay… how about rutabaga? I love rutabaga! No, huh? No rutabaga?” Trust me, the server isn’t hiding a secret veggie du jour from you.

6. Complain. Complain about everything. The temperature is a great choice! Demand that the heat is turned up or the air conditionaire turned down. Complain about the food, complain about the service, complain about the loud kids three tables away from you. Just complain. Be sure to loudly announce that the food, service, etc is awful, just awful every time you come in. The tables sitting around you appreciate being told about the inferiority of the establishment they have chosen, and they wanted your expert opinion – as you are an expert, being as you come in every week.

7. Don’t be selfish – let the kids have fun, too! Parents, you have no idea the pivotal role children can play in earning you “special guest” status. Allowing the children to run around the restaurant, unattended, is always memorable, not safe but hey – who doesn’t enjoy a trip to the emergency room after a evening out? In the event that you insist on keeping the children at the table, encourage them to drop 90% of their food onto the floor below. Bonus points can be earned if the floor is carpeted and (this is key!) the children stomp on the dropped food, embedding it in the carpet. Servers will be thinking of you well after the restaurant has shut their doors and she is stuck vacuuming.

8. Overstay your welcome. Weekends, Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day are crucial days to employ this tactic. Eat, drink, be merry. Then enforce your squatter’s rights. Mingle over that cup of coffee, while you and your companion remark “My! You are so busy tonight! An hour wait, you say? Glad we came early!” Ignore the subtle, and not so subtle, hints that your server is asking you to leave. Time is money, and the more time you dawdle at her table, the less money she will make.

9. Verbal tips! Being a verbal tipper will guarantee that you are remembered. Everyone appreciates a compliment now and again. Compliments on the server’s hair, makeup, nails or proficiency in pouring water will not pay the bills. Compliment all you want, but compliments in lieu of cash will earn you high marks in the memorable guest competition. Saying, “God bless you!” on your way out is not a substitute for a tip, either.

In nine easy steps, you can become a memorable guest at any restaurant!

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